I’m choosing to impart this knowledge to you, under threat of naptime sabotage, for two reasons: 1) so you don’t make the same mistakes I did; and 2) so you don’t PISS ME OFF in the process of making the same mistakes I did.

Rule #1 – Don’t park right next to another car in the parking lot when there are many spaces available.
This rule is, by far, the most simple yet most disregarded rule of the whole experience, and I’m completely at a loss as to why. I think it’s safe to assume that 99% of the people in the lot have children and assorted belongings that need to be either loaded or unloaded from a vehicle, and parking thisclose does not help anyone. Fair warning: if you choose to pull in right next to me as I’m throwing my Scion into reverse and then quickly jump out to unload Little Miss Precious from the same side (i.e. the side common to my car), I can’t be held responsible for nicks, scratches, or bruised egos that may result. And if I decide to take the high road and wait for your inconsiderate ass to get the hell outta my way, be prepared for a very loud playing of Prodigy or Cypress Hill or something equally as inappropriate while I sit patiently in my car.

Rule #2 – No one really wants to chat; they have somewhere else to be.
I’ll admit, I’m guilty of making this mistake occasionally, but I usually know better. Drop-off and pick-up at daycare is like shift change – parents are either transitioning from home-to-work or work-to-home, but very few are going from work-to-home/social hour. Either way, parents are transients, and extended lingering will inevitably be cut short by storytime, the program director, or an errant whining child who just wants to get home and watch the Disney Princess Sing-A-Long for the millionth time (not that I would know anything about that).

Rule #3 – Trust the teachers because they choose your child’s naptime.
Thank goodness I didn’t have to learn this the hard way because trust me, it’s probably the least pleasant lesson out there when it comes to kids and schooling. I worked as a special education assistant at a public school years ago, so I know what it’s like to be on the front lines of childcare. It’s never wise to act a fool because your kid’s teachers are qualified adults who are just trying to do their jobs, and they care about your child’s well being just as much as you do (even if it’s because they’re paid to do so). Also, lest I seem crass, teachers, even at the daycare and preschool levels, are like dictators when it comes to their respective classrooms – they wield the supreme power to make decisions regarding programming, discipline, and daily function. So, uh, consider that food for thought.

So that’s my current list. If you care to add anything, feel free to email me, so long as it isn’t during the hours of 7:50 – 8 AM or 5 – 5:10 PM. Y’all know where I’ll be at those times of day.

She’s come so far from her yowling-at-the cat days.

Also, she was actually listening to the song through the headphones, not singing it from memory.

YouTube link: http://youtu.be/6HqYPiefzBY

(Many thanks to Tom Logue for the inspiration and/or twitter cajoling.)

Except blog, apparently.

So here I am. And here are my excuses.

Sunday:
We finished out last weekend successfully with frozen pizza and a toddler bedtime involving diminshed crying thanks to a new Ariel plush doll and Dora the Explorer pajamas. It was a great prep for Monday. TRUST.

Monday:
Know how much free time I have on Monday? Not a whole helluva lot. It never fails that we’re always blasted with work Monday morning because no one in entire world thinks to actually file a claim over the weekend when they first discover that their house is flooding with hot water from a burst pipe. Instead, they wait to call first thing Monday morning, thus opening the floodgates (ha HA!) of insurance-covered water damage madness into my office within hours of my arrival. By lunchtime, I flee in despair with the hope that a McDouble and iced coffee will get me through the last part of the day.

On some Mondays, though, all is quiet in the afternoon. And right now, that quiet time is being filled with Downton Abbey.

Tuesday:
Tuesday I realized that I had a ginormous lesson plan assignment due Thursday night, and that the likelihood of it taking forever was significant. I plowed through some of it in the morning until the human quotient in the office got to the point where it wasn’t possible to clandestinely search for phonemic awareness activities online without being called out.

Oh, and Tuesday night was out because Glee and New Girl came back.

(WINSTON: “He has a friend who legally changed his middle name to Doin’It. One word. Doin’It”. Love. This. Show.)

Wednesday:
Wednesday was all about protesting SOPA and PIPA. Take THAT, Congress.

In all seriousness, though, OMG. #holycrap #scaredoftheman

And then I had a Live Chat for class that included sixty minutes of useless reiterations of the current reading while I checked twitter and instagram on my phone.

Thursday:
And so we come to today, where I’m writing this crappy post because a) I need to write something, b) I’ve completed aforementioned lesson plan, and c) I’m stalling because I don’t want to start in on the next assignment due Saturday.

Right about now, I’m really starting to rethink this whole working parent-grad student-blogger-volunteer-TV watcher-general awesome person thing because it’s getting tiring.

So be sure to watch for my next post. At this rate, I’m sure it’ll happen sometime next month.

MITTENS, pointing to a crate of birthday stuff including Minnie Mouse napkins and two gifts bags: “Princess! Princess present!”

ME: “Yes, baby, those are presents for you. For your birthday.”

MITTENS: “Open my presents now?”

ME, cursing the fact that I didn’t think to hide the gifts that are really for the party tomorrow: “Yeah. You can open a present now.”

Today Mittens turns two, which is great because now I feel old. Not old in the old sense, you know, but old in the How do I have a two year old considering I still feel like I’m a college student? sense. (I also still look like a college student, which only serves to add yet another dimension to this whole crazy situation).

I could totally take this opportunity to wax nostalgic about how two years ago I was nearing the end of labor and miserable and excited to be a parent, but I’m going to spare everyone all that because, in truth, my labor really wasn’t a big deal. So I’ll just tip my proverbial hat in the general direction of my awesome OB/GYN and keep moving along.

Instead of a big party hoopla, we’re staying at the Disneyland resort for the weekend, which both excites and terrifies me because the specter of the recent stomach flu infestation at Mitzi’s daycare has left me paranoid that she’ll wake up in the middle of the night this weekend feeling sick, and then proceed to destroy various Mickey-themed pillows and/or blankets. Being stuck in a hotel room with sick people is truly one of my versions of hell.

But barring any of that, we’ve got a few things planned that I think might register high on the Most Awesome Things Ever list for toddlers, not least of which is a breakfast reservation at Goofy’s Kitchen where patrons are treated with special visits by Minnie, Goofy, Snow White, and the like. Considering the fact that Mittens points and yells enthusiastically at the sight of characters in the park, it’s possible that she’ll lose her shit completely during breakfast Saturday morning, thus validating Husband’s belief that he is the Best Dad Ever for knowing what his daughter might enjoy. (For the record, I’m inclined to concur with that belief if shit is, in fact, lost.)

So a resounding Happy Birthday to Mittens!

May your celebration this weekend be filled with laughter and cake and rides on It’s A Small World and a boxed lunch that includes a cupcake with sprinkles (with bonus tote bag for Mom – so you know that’s gonna be happening.)

Warning: Through this list, you’ll probably learn way more about me that you ever wanted (or needed) to know.

1 – Fold and put away socks and underwear within two days of washing the full load.
Good: Washing and drying a load of socks and underwear.
Better: Washing and drying a load of socks and underwear, and then actually moving contents of said load out of the laundry basket and into the proper drawers, thus eliminating the presence of a laundry basket full of clothes on the dresser for a week (or two).

2 – Make an attempt to scribble less.
My excuse of “My handwriting is bad because I broke my arm in third grade!” gets less credible the older I get. I think people figure that at some point I should have just learned how to write properly again.

3 – Stop picking at my eyebrows.
It’s an unconscious nervous habit which, while not life-threatening, probably looks ridiculous to people watching me. I need to make it end.

4 – Refrain from vilifying others when I get angry about a situation.
Confession: I tend to think everyone around me has a carefree, wonderful life and that I’m the only person in the world with stress that often reduces me to panicky tears. My rational brain knows that’s not the case (and also a stupid, stupid generalization), but my emotive side just wants to feel better. New mantra: Everyone has problems and I shouldn’t be bitter. (Unless they’re rich – then they can suck it).

5 – Remember to water the plants.
If that fails, just get rid of the plants and be done with it (they’ll be dead at that point anyway).

6 – Clean the master bathroom floor and shower more frequently.
You know that point in time when normal Windex and wipes and magic erasers are powerless and you’re forced to resort to Barkeeper’s Friend and (I kid you not) an industrial-strength degreaser? Yeah, THAT.

7 – Get the carpet cleaned.
OMG GET THE CARPET CLEANED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN!

8 – Decide against the fat-and-cheese option when ordering fast food.
Though I always hate parting with $5 for a salad, I’m sure my arteries and intestines will thank me (once they stop hurting.)

9 – Write more blog posts.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to recruit my junior high self to maintain this blog. That girl could WRITE. And write A LOT. Number one reason I don’t want that chick around, though: pretentious know-it-all-y-ness. And AWFUL hair.

Guess this burden’s all mine.

Because I frickin’ love TV.

I spent a chunk of yesterday arranging, and rearranging, and then finalizing, my midseason TV-watching scenario, and it was intense.

(OK, maybe not intense intense, but I did have to flip between the Tivo and Hulu apps on my phone to check times and air dates so, you know, that’s work.)

This season was a bit of a juggle for me. We used to have AT&T U-Verse, which I loved because you could record forty billion things all at once, and there was like infinite hard drive space, and it was cool. But when we moved, U-Verse wasn’t available. So now we’re stuck with local cable plus our TiVo Premiere box (which I also love), but you can only record two things at the same time.

Hence the need for my TV schedule chart, and time double-checking, and general shifting of series recordings, and the inevitability of relegating some shows to the Hulu list (which doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Vampire Diaries!)

After a few snafus (like the fact that every network has overbooked Thursday’s line up and that American Idol sucks up two days), I finally got it all worked out.

Monday:
8 PM – How I Met Your Mother
8 PM – House
10 PM – Hawaii 5-0
10 PM – Pretty Little Liars (original air time 8 PM)

Call me crazy, but I love Pretty Little Liars. Today’s teen drama soaps rock – they’re so stylish and hip. PLL almost makes me want to be 17 again and stalked by an anonymous sociopath (almost). Related: why am I still watching House? Oh right, because it’s dying a slow, painful death and I just wanna see how everything ends.

Tuesday:
8 PM – Glee
9 PM – New Girl

Fair warning, Glee: get your shit together. You’re only still on here because Husband watches in hopes of good musical numbers.

Wednesday:
8 PM – Survivor
8 PM – American Idol

Wednesday Hulu Follow-Up:
Revenge
Law & Order: SVU

Revenge has become my lunchtime guilty pleasure. I’m looking forward to the next installment of its wicked goodness.

Thursday:
8 PM – The Big Bang Theory
8 PM – American Idol
9 PM – Secret Circle
9 PM – Person of Interest
11 PM – Project Runway Allstars (original air time 9 PM)

Thursday Hulu Follow-Up:
Vampire Diaries
Up All Night

HUSBAND: “What are you watching?”
ME: “It’s this show on CW called The Secret Circle. It’s about these high school kids who are witches and they’re trying to figure out how their parents died. Kinda like Buffy but with witches.”
HUSBAND: “How do you know all that? Isn’t this the pilot?”
ME: “I watched the rest of the episodes on Hulu but the pilot wasn’t on there ‘til now. I can put something else on if you want.”
HUSBAND, sitting down to watch the rest of the episode with me: “No, that’s OK.”
***
HUSBAND, after the pilot ends: “So are the other episodes still on Hulu?”

Friday and Saturday left intentionally blank to account for overflow. Also, I’ve given up on CSI:NY.

Sunday:
8 PM – Amazing Race
9 PM – Family Guy
10 PM – Pan Am
10 PM – House of Lies

I refuse to watch Family Guy because it’s just turned to shit, but Husband still surfs through it when he’s home early. I’m excited about House of Lies, though – sounds smart and snarky, and who doesn’t love Kristen Bell?

2 – I will attempt to reduce my anxiety about sickness.
OH MY GOD THE GERMS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE PLEASE DON’T INFECT ME OR MY CHILD. I’m just going to stock up on antibacterial wipes and masks and gloves and brace for the inevitable. Because it will come and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I guess there’s no reason to panic preemptively.

3 – I will tone done the mock and scorn of other moms.
As much as I want to judge, it’s totally your right to wear yoga pants to Target or push a stroller in booty shorts and Uggs or bitch that your child only slept through half of his 4 hour daily nap. If you’re not getting all self righteous up in my face, why should I be doing it you? (Or behind your back, which, let’s face it, is more my style.)

3a – Determine the root of my hatred for yoga pants in public. I really don’t know where it came from, but the sight burns a hole in my chest every. time.

4 – Eat better.
My child should probably not expect McDonald’s oatmeal on Saturday mornings and Del Taco tacos for Sunday lunch. Let’s, uh, try to change this.

Happy New Year!

Obviously that didn’t happen.

So think of this journey through the more unusual ornaments in our Christmas tree as a little post-season homage before we finally rip the darn thing down.

Husband and I have picked up ornaments during our travels – the Santa comes from St. Thomas (as cleverly labeled). I was more shocked to find this in St. Thomas than shocked by the fact that it’s Santa in a swimsuit. The boat on the right was from the same Caribbean trip. Because nothing says Christmas like a painted metal boat.

This is Coco, our African Grey Parrot. Or at least it’s what Coco would look like if she were made of painted cardboard and glitter (though she does wear the festive green wreath year-round). We have ornaments for all our pets, but this is by far the dorkiest.

I’m pretty sure this originally was a cat toy.

These beaded pieces are from Africa. My brother’s old girlfriend wouldn’t accept the angel as a gift because she believed it to be an icon of Satan (true story!). The beaded ball is one of about ten, and I always forget about hanging them until Husband gives the tree a once-over and declares “Where are the Christmas balls?”

Here’s hoping everyone had a safe and fun holiday.

This year I’ve been lazy, what with classes and all,
Shoulda started my shopping way back in the fall.
But I hemmed and I hawed, and ignored my email
And now what I face is a massive gift fail.

I’ve ordered online, some nice gifting fare,
But sadly I couldn’t buy everything there.
There’s still crap to purchase, and to my dismay,
I’m stuck in the office this fine winter’s day.

A new shirt for Dad and some candy for Gran,
They’re still on my list like it’s part of the plan.
I should hit the mall on tomorrow’s lunch hour,
To See’s and then Macy’s, at full shopping power!

But then there are those who still stand a mystery;
I’m racking my brain for their past gifting history.
Does my mom need a purse or maybe some shoes?
My brother likes money – a giftcard will do!

Can I get it all done? Maybe I’m just naïve,
But I get this strange feeling that come Christmas Eve,
I’ll be toughing it out at the Spectrum real soon
For things that could have been bought back in June.

For now I sit here and I ponder my lot,
And tomorrow the list will get all I’ve got.
I hope against hope, and do I dare say,
I’ll get this shit done for a great holiday!